This Post is Dark and Full of Spoilers

Thrones! Now Game of Thrones now.
Game of Thrones now. Game of Thrones now.
Gonna watch it. Gonna watch it.
Gonna watch it. Gonna watch it.


There are Lannisters and Greyjoys.
In a pie you'll find the Frey boys.
Little Arya can be Faceless;
Ramsay Bolton's always graceless.

Littlefinger can't be trusted:
He's a slime-ball - that's enough said.
Little Tyrion killed his papa
With a crossbow on the crapper.

Cersei's scheming didn't aim
To have her take the Walk of Shame,
And her revenge on the High Sparrow?
Much more special than an arrow.

Jaime needed some first aid.
Now he's less handy with a blade.
And Ser Bronn just wants a castle;
Quite a lot for hired muscle.

Cross the Narrow Sea to Essos.
Watch the rise of Queen Daenerys.
'cos it surely isn't easy -
Rise from chattel to Khaleesi.

The Dothraki and Unsullied
And her dragons. Are you worried?
Missandrei/Grey Worm are besties:
Such a shame he has no testes.


In the North, at Castle Black
The Night's Watch waits for the attack.
There are doers; there are talkers;
There are zombies and White Walkers.

If they ever breach the Wall
It will be curtains for us all,
Though White Walkers hate to feel
A blade made of Valerian steel.

Plus the dragon-glass, of course,
To knock the Night King off his horse.
When the battle is upon us
Lots of people will be goners.

In the meantime, Samwell Tarly:
He learns who Jon Snow is really.
Will there ever be some marryin'
Of someone from House Targaryen?

]}:-{>

Planned Obsolescence

Again (and again and again) the Goat has been frustrated with the lack of support that seems to be provided for older products. Most recently the extremely bespoke watch strap that is broken cannot be replaced because “It’s an old model and we don’t do spare parts for those any more. We can sell you a new one.”

The Goat owns a fully functional high-end diving computer that is useless because there’s seemingly no way to strap it to his body.

Just one example. Another is the perfect motorcycle tyre that lasts ages, grips tenaciously, delivers excellent handling, and is discontinued in favour of one that causes high-speed wobbles and lets go on damp asphalt.

And a third is the need to fling a recent smartphone with its working display, motherboard, and case because nobody (including eBay and Amazon) has a replacement battery.

Everything I try,
Everything I buy,
Everything I do
Always turns to poo
And I wonder why.

Everything I own
Every mobile phone
If it's bought by me
You can guarantee
That it should be thrown.

If it's bought today,
Then there is no way
To avoid what's true:
“Go and buy anew!”

If I want to keep
Something, then I'm "Cheap."
My opinion's based
On my hate of waste
That's more than skin deep.

Never mind what’s neat.
It is obsolete,
And nobody cares
That you can’t find spares,
So admit defeat.

]}:-{>

Both kinds: Country *and* Western

Not my truck

"With the advent of autonomous motor vehicles," it said on Facebook, "It's only a matter of time before someone writes a country song about my truck leaving me."

So here is one.

I bought an F150
In the year 2019.
I gave it bigger tires
So's to make it look real mean.
It had a pair of smokestacks
Both made of polished chrome,
And a central-heated garage:
Somewhere it could call home.

My wife said I spent too much time
Out polishing my truck.
"It's gonna be the truck or me,"
She told me. Just my luck!

One day while I was drivin'
The radio was playin'
My fav'rite country music songs:
The best of all, I'm sayin'
I set the truck on Auto
For my banjo I was pickin'
Till I stopped outside a KFC
Where lunch is finger-lickin'

The truck parked up beside a 'Stang,
A fine automobile,
But when I'd had my chicken strips
My disbelief was real.

For my truck left me!
It ran off with a Mustang.
Yeah, my truck left me!
I shouted and I cussed.
My truck left me!
The moral to this story
Is never trust a truck that is autonomous.

Yeah, my truck left me!
It ran off with a Mustang.
Yeah, my truck left me!
I went home on the bus.
My truck left me!
The moral to this story
Is never trust a truck that is autonomous.

]}:-{>

"The Boxer"? Rebellion

The Mis-Leader

In an office without corners
Sits a toupee’d tangerine
Where he ought to rule the nation,
But he tweets his indignation
When he’s criticized.

His tiny hands
That he used for grabbing pussies
Though, of course, not Kellyanne’s.
Mmmmmm...

Lie-la-Lie: “Yes, the Mexicans will pay.”
Lie-la-Lie: “I’ll throw Hillary in jail.”
Lie-la-Lie.

“When I want to be elected,
With the Russians I’ll collude.
I’ll get Vladimir to phone me;
If discovered, I’ll fire Comey
And erase my tracks.

Drain the swamp!
And avoid those Nasty Women!
I’m as bright as Forrest Gump
And tell whoppers ‘cos my name is Donald Trump.”

Lie-la-Lie: “I will never take vacations.”
Lie-la-Lie: “And I don’t do tax evasion.”
Lie-la-Lie. 

]}:-{>

Swedish wish

I went and bought a flat in Budapest in Hungary.

It needed bits and pieces, and a little TLC.

The furnishing was Spartan, and I had nowhere to sit;

No sofa, 'cos the previous occupant had taken it.

Cheap seats, cheap beds, the answer's very clear:

It seemed as though I'd need to pay a visit to IKEA.

Well, I jumped upon the Metro, which would take me there, I'd read.

And sure enough, outside the station was a big blue shed.

With notebook and small pencil, and a tape-measure of paper,

I wove my way around the store, emerging some time later.

Cheap TV stands, lots of kitchen gear.

It seems there is no limit to the products in IKEA.

With measurements in hand, I had decided to be wary

I'd check the flat's dimensions to avoid the Fcek-up Fairy.

Today I'd stick to only buying bedding that was cheap;

The choice was that or having nowhere comfortable to sleep

Now the disadvantages were clear:

It's hard to get the stuff home on the Metro from IKEA.

At last I had a shopping list of all the things I'd need

To turn a flat into a home. I went and did the deed.

A sofa and a bookcase, and some things I found good looking,

A lampshade and some lightbulbs, plus some pans to do some cooking.

Bits and bobs, I bought a load, I fear

There's no end to temptation to buy extras in IKEA.

I couldn't get a sofa and a bookcase on the train.

It's really quite impossible; not merely just a pain.

I organised delivery, for which there'd be a fee.

They dropped it off next morning and I paid them COD.

Lots of cardboard boxes did appear

Containing 3D jigsaw puzzles: products from IKEA.

It's really quite straightforward to assemble once you get on.

I started with the BILLY, then moved on to the FRIHETON.

My confidence secure, and having done it without bitchin'

The next day I returned to buy a customised new kitchen.

Design now for delivery next year.

A kitchen's complicated, even if it's from IKEA.

And everything is extra, from the handles to the hinges,

The cupboard fronts, the worktops, even legs, despite my whinges.

I think I'll get the expert fitters in to do the build.

I did one once before, and found I wasn't very skilled.

Started cheap, now I shed a bitter tear...

It seems that my life savings have been eaten by IKEA.

]}:-{>

The Raving

Six years in the State of Qatar made me richer; made me fatter;
Killed my student overdraft and bought a Nissan from some guy.
Just as I got comfortable came some unexpected trouble:
Made redundant. At the double, found a new job in Dubai.
Said to Qatar, “That’s goodbye”
Sold my stuff. Away did fly.

Then the global downturn floored us. Thus I got my marching orders.
Off I went to Abu Dhabi in a tiny rental car
Where it seems they were desiring those ambitious; those aspiring
Engineers, and they were hiring. It was close, but no cigar,
And so I said my au revoir
And found myself back in Qatar.

Now here comes a huge bombshell: I’d walked into the Job From Hell.
There really wasn’t anything that I could do to fix the mess.
Yet my slippy-shouldered boss who didn’t really give a toss
Or care who he could double-cross, he drowned me under piles of stress.
My valedictory address
Might well have been an SOS.

Thus I left, and I was banned , such are the rules of that fair land.
I had to wait two years, and then agreed to six months’ self-torment.
My brain had clearly gone haywire. I went from frying pan to fire
Because, alas, it did transpire that nobody would give consent
To anything I could present.
Hence my insanity descent.

“Six months,” they said, and two years on I can escape. Yes’ I’ll be gone.
I tried, but I’m not good enough to cope with this benighted place.
My shackles struck, and my release must surely offer me some peace:
The stress and grief at least will cease; I’m really not a waste of space.
And I’m not leaving in disgrace,
But entering the marketplace.

]}:-{>

These brambles are tasty

Lifted from Rentagoat
(yes, I know goats don't have top front teeth)

For no better reason than it just occurring to me that the long-running children's comedy show Rentaghost (BBC 1976-1984) is ripe for a pun, I made the connection with Conservation Grazing.

That is, using goats to remove invasive plant species rather than pumping chemicals over the plants and everything besides, attacking the plants with whirling blades of death, or killing everything in the vicinity with fire.

The thing is, a Company Song is missing. Until now. The song is sung by a choir of company employees. Well, the last line of the song.

Tune and original lyrics by Michael Staniforth, who also starred in Rentaghost.

If your garden is a shambles, just call Rent-A-Goat.

Are your ditches full of brambles? You need Rent-A-Goat.

We’ll eradicate your kudzu and remove invasive weeds;

It can be verified we don’t use herbicide, so just call Rent-A-Goat.

If your stately home’s a mess you should call Rent-A-Goat.

That poison ivy we’ll address because we’re Rent-A-Goat.

We are quiet while we’re working, and we don’t need gasoline.

We work without a fuss; you’ll barely notice us from Rent-A-Goat.

Have you tried a pesticide with side-effects you can’t abide?

Are you reliant upon high technology?

Perhaps you should take note that by contacting Rent-A-Goat

You can achieve it more environmentally.

There is a goatherd who will stay alert. That’s Rent-A-Goat

Who will ensure your orchids won’t be hurt. That’s Rent-A-Goat.

Now that your land is neat and tidy, recommend us to your friends.

We’ll conservation-graze and we work seven days at Rent-A-Goat.

“Baaaaaaah!”

]}:-{>

Les Misérables

Yes, it's upside down. A distress signal.

Look down, look down don’t look them in the eye. 

We voted 'leave.' It’s time to say goodbye. 

The sun is hot. It’s June 2016 

And 52% of us are keen. 

I know we’re off. We’re floating in the sea; 

We’re rudderless and friendless, but we’re free! 

We’ve done no wrong; the EU is to blame 

And immigrants: we surely know their game.

"Now Prime Minister 246-10 

Your time is up and now you have to go. 

You know what that means?" 

'Yes! It means I’m free!'

"No! You’ll be replaced by Michael Gove 

Because of that tangled web you wove. 

You killed UK. You’ll

Go down in history." 

Look down look down. Don’t look me in the face. 

We’re sinking fast. We’re sinking without trace…

]}:-{>

Shakespearean Christmas

I found this on the internet, here.

Not to be outdone, here are a couple of my own efforts...

O come, king of Naples,

Shipwrecked on this island 

Along with your brother, son, and others besides 

Because of a Tempest conjured by me, Prospero. 

Ariel will stop slaughter; 

Your son will wed my daughter; 

And Caliban will get plastered with Stephano.

---------0---------

Away with the fairies, 

The mischievous Puck

Bewitches two couples

In the woods where they... 're stuck.

And meanwhile, a rehearsal

Ends in chaos and dread

When Bottom develops

An asinine head.

----------0---------

"Emperor is Saturninus."

So says Titus Andronicus.

Queen Tamora loves a Moor. A 

Tale of revenge goes thus:

O...

Human sacrifice and rape;

Murder; hands to mutilate.

Romans willing; Goths for killing.

Baked in pies Tamora ate.

]}:-{>

Barrett's Engineers

O, the year was AD 2012.

(How I wish that I’d stayed far away)

They needed one with competence;

Profess’nal; with experience.

I tell you now: I was told

Untruths. A dummy I was sold.

A job from hell, it was clear…

I was a broken Goat with a wrecked career:

A burned-out civil engineer.

The fees had almost all been spent.

(How I wish that I’d stayed far away)

For the job had been won at a loss

And I had a slippy-shouldered boss.

So many things were in a mess,

Or hadn’t even been addressed.

I tried to fix it all. Oh dear…!

With no help, I became, I fear,

A bitter, twisted engineer.

Too many things lay incomplete.

(How I wish that I’d stayed far away)

With no time for anticipation

I fought the latest conflagration.

Assistance? Always refused

Which left me cross and unamused.

“If you resign, be sure we’re…

Gonna get you banned from working here.”

Unemployable engineer.

Two years have passed, and I am back

(How I wish that I’d stayed far away)

Now everything that I submit

Is rejected by some shining wit.

Co-operate? Not a chance!

Instead, a complicated dance.

Delay things for at least a year…

I am a waste of space while I work here;

Oxygen-stealing engineer.

No, the Goat can’t stand much more of this. 

(How I wish that I’d stayed far away)

But there’s nothing else that he can do 

‘Cept driving vans, or shovelling poo. 

Old Goat; new tricks? Does it seem 

That he has run right out of steam? 

What can he make from this sow’s ear…?

It’s time to start a new career;

Eschew the title ‘engineer’.

]}:-{>

Muttley, do something!

It apparently takes many months from sending a letter of enquiry to the authorities who are responsibly for our safety and security, and receiving any form of reply.

I found myself speculating on what might happen if an aerial attack were repulsed with a similar sense of urgency.

There goes the siren that warns of the air raid.
Just time to drink one more thimble of tea.
Lean back and press on the little white button,
Shout for the teaboy, “Bring chai now for me!”

We have a squadron or two of Mirages
Recently bought at colossal expense:
These will protect our small piece of the sandpit;
Nothing’s too much for our own self-defence.

Running, scrambling, flying
Rolling, turning, diving. Not this afternoon.
Running, scrambling, flying
Rolling, turning, diving…

Not at weekends, afternoons, early hours,
Nor summer months, Ramadan, happy hour...

]}:-{>

Iambic pentameter

Encouraging to hear from people who

Saw me on stage, and reckon I can act.

Flattered I surely am, and reassured,

For I’m my own worst critic; that’s a fact.

 

There will be far too many lines to learn

And insufficient hours in the day

If I decide to try to land a part

In the forthcoming show: The Scottish Play.

 

“In sooth, I find I know not what to say;

For verily, I have forgot my lines.

Constrainèd I am, like a prat, obliged

To acquiesce to prompting,” GG whines.

 

The dust is settling after Peter Pan;

I’m playing ‘catching up’ in my day job.

I’m travelling for Christmas late this week

To Spain. My itinerary’s non-stop.

 

Perhaps, having returned, I’ll look again

Enquire, and then await with bated breath

To learn if there’s a tiny role for me

In Shakespeare In Qatar’s play, Macbeth.

 

]}:-{>

Coz I Luv Qatar

I'm not an idle slob;
I went and got a job.
I live in Doha.
Because the rent's so cruel
My flat is minuscule
In central Doha.

And I have to rent a car
Else I can't explore Qatar.

Meanwhile my motorbike,
For reasons I don't like,
Can't come to Doha:
It's more than five years old
And that is why, I'm told,
It's banned from Doha.

For my car, things are the same:
Arbitrary rules to blame.

Of course, Beloved Wife
Continues with her life
Outside of Doha.
She's got the cat to pet
And at weekends, she'll jet
Across to Doha.

Visit friends; maybe explore
Mesaieed, Dukhan, Al Khor.

Because no-one will say
How long my current stay
Will be in Doha,
I work twelve hours a day
And then rehearse a play.
Busy in Doha!

Burn the candle at both ends;
And suck up what Karma sends.

Music: Noddy Holder & Jim Lea
Lyrics: Grumpy Goat

]}:-{>

The Galaxy Song

I’m standing here in Jumbo,
eMax, or Sharaf DG,
And I’m viewing the bewildering display
Of smartphones, tablets, netbooks, phablets,
Laptops and PCs.
It’s so confusing; what more can I say?
I want a new computer,
I want something small and light,
But it’s got to have a legible display,
And whichever one I choose
In three months will be obsolete,
So make a choice and take that choice away.

The iPad, I am told,
Is a high-quality machine,
But it demands you use its own electric strings.
And everybody else, it seems,
Has Micro-USB,
So charging and uploads are easy things.
I've heard so many stories
Criticising Windows 8
I think that I will pass that product by,
And the Google Nexus recommended
By some friends of mine?
Alas, it Isn’t Coming In Dubai.

So I chose to own an Android
In a Samsung Galaxy.
It’s a bigger version of my mobile phone.
I've got a data SIM card,
So there’s WiFi and 4G;
I’m connected in my house, or when I roam.
And meanwhile, back in Blighty,
I learned that Nanny Goat
Has bought one too; the first she’s ever owned.
We've been exchanging emails,
And last night spent hours on Skype,
Which cost less than picking up the telephone.

]}:-{>

Fascinating

The original version is brilliant. Now comes mine.

After being made redundant unexpectedly one day,
I needed a new passport, so flew back to the UK.
I crossed the River Severn, and then all day I spent
A-waiting for my passport in the town of Newport, Gwent.
Cheap flights, cheap flights,
What a fantasy!
There’s no such thing when flying
To UK from DXB.

A new job in the UAE did not materialise.
“There’s loads of jobs,” the Agent says. Regrettably, he lies.
New Zealand and the Gulf I tried, then hearing from the latter:
An interview and job offer came from the State of Qatar.
Cheap flights, cheap flights,
They wanted to meet me.
An early morning Fly Dubai
That turned out to be free.

Beloved Wife stays in Dubai, pursuing her career.
I s'pose four hundred kilometres counts as fairly near.
So every other weekend, to my chagrin and rage,
Official immigration stamps another empty page.
Short flights, short flights:
Doha - DXB.
My ten-year passport isn’t going
To last much more than three.

Now Ramadan draws to a close, and we of course all know how
The world, his wife, his kids, his dog all want to exit Doha.
The airlines take advantage: they don’t have any trouble
With elevating normal fares to make them more than double.
Eid flights, Eid flights
To the UAE:
At fourteen hundred riyals,
This is how to take the pee.

]}:-{>

Merry Christmas!

Put the turkey
In the oven,
Mummified in tinfoil,
With an onion
Stuffed up
Its behind.

Sage and onion,
Roast potatoes;
Put the sprouts on to boil.
Friends arrive,
And ply them
With red wine.

Tryptophan!
Tryptophan!
Ten-thousand calories later...
I’m a man;
I’ve a plan:
Snore through the film on TV.

]}:-{>

Lear, and present danger

The Muse strikes again. But which one? Not epic enough for Calliope, I’m aiming more at a combination of Euterpe, Thalia and Melpomene. And the picture from the BBC’s website on 17 June 10 was at least part of my inspiration.


The Client and the Architect went to work
On a glittering tower of glass.
With ink still damp from the company stamp,
The groundbreaking came to pass.
With blueprints approved, the Client then moved
The tower ten feet to the right.
“It’s better by far when arriving by car.
Particularly at night,
At night,
At night.
Particularly at night.”

They worked away for a year and a day
And the bills came rolling in.
“Some payment is needed,” the Architect pleaded.
Said the Client: “But my wallet is thin:
I spent all my cash on a speedboat that’s flash
And a diamond-encrusted new phone,
A villa that’s vast, and a racehorse that’s fast.
Why don’t you take out a loan,
A loan,
A loan?
Why don’t you take out a loan?”

The bills were unpaid, and the Architect made
The decision to go to a banker.
He borrowed, of course, for to pay his workforce,
’cos he’d got nothing out of his Client.
When the scheme was complete, he got to his feet
And he boarded a London-bound plane.
The Architect figured that he would be jiggered
If he ever worked here again,
Again,
Again,
If he ever worked here again.

]}:-{>

Blue is the new green

Picture of Neytiri nicked from Wikipedia

Blog post title nicked from Jax.

I loved Avatar. The story held me captivated for the complete duration of the film, and for a couple of hours I completely forgot that it was almost all special effects. Apart from the creatures, the indigenous Na’vi and the Hallelujah Mountains, I appreciated the high-tech VTOL aircraft and head-up 3D displays.

On the subject of 3D, I did see the film in 3D. It was well worth it. Fortunately the third dimension was used to immerse the viewer in the world of Pandora, rather than to provide a succession of hostile beasts leering into the auditorium.

Among the said hostile beasts were a kind of hammerheaded rhinoceros, a ‘panther from hell’, a ‘six-legged alien Clydesdale’, and the Great Leonopteryx: the top of the airborne food chain and a brightly-coloured, four-winged, dragon-like beast. And the giant Christmas tree worms will be eerily familiar to anyone who’s dived on a coral reef, as will the bioluminescence.

It would appear from this Daily Telegraph article that the film is overly realistic. It’s not only the Na’vi who are feeling blue by the time the credits roll. It Isn’t Real, people! It’s Pretend! It’s Been Made Up! Are these the same people, I wonder, who spend their spare time investigating the backs of apple-wood wardrobes, or asserting that there is no spoon?

Anyway, unless you hate and detest Sci-Fi or fantasy, I’d certainly recommend seeing the film; if possible the 3D version, and maybe even the IMAX.

I came out of the cinema awed, but with what the Germans call an Ohrwurm: an earworm: that tune in your head that is impossible to shift. Failing humming the entirety of Henry Mancini’s Pink Panther theme (which is normally an effective remedy) I have written down my earworm. Caution: Here may be spoilers.


Locals are hostile. You’re
Dodging arrows while you’re
Mining unobtainium.
Displace all the natives;
Helping them is racist:
‘White Messiah’ just ain’t done.

Jarheads gonna hate ya
When you link with nature,
Ten feet tall and painted blue.
Wanna fight and and frag ’em
Airborne on a dragon?
There is something you must do:

Join the Na’vi!
You will need an avatar
’cos the Na’vi
Live on planet Pandora.
But you’re human
And you can’t get thah from hyah.
They’re the Na’vi.
They’re the Na’vi.

In the Na’vi
You can breathe the atmosphere,
And the Na’vi
’gainst warmongers show no fear.
’cos the Na’vi
Hold the ecosystem dear.
That’s the Na’vi.
That’s the Na’vi.

]}:-{>

Show them you're cross

Thinking about buying a new smart phone?
An iPhone or perhaps a BlackBerry?
Itisalot will want to give you software:
A software patch “for switching to 3G.”

That patch is made for spying
And that’s just what it’ll do.
Upload it, and your telco
Will be monitoring you.


It costs too much to rent palatial villas,
At least, if you’re a single family.
But if it’s big enough, perhaps by sharing,
Two live together, independently.

Except that it’s illegal.
Municipality
Says, “Here’s a clar’fication
Issued since February.”


This evening I’m going to the gold souq
To buy a piece of tasteful jewelry.
In Sharjah I am not allowed to wear it
Because of gold chain’s illegality

If wearing gold’s offensive
Do up your buttons quick!
If you dress like Tom Jones
You will be hauled off to the nick.

Appropriate acknowledgements to Lee Hazlewood who wrote the original, and Nancy Sinatra who made it famous.

]}:-{>

A villa in new DXB

A house in The Greens, an Arabian Ranch.
If you want to own it and not merely loan it
You'll need to come up with a million or more
In cash or a mortgage whose rates make you sore.

There is a catch!
Where?
Buyer beware!
Why should I take such care?
Because the rules keep changing,
Fair or unfair,
And you'll find yourself tearing your hair.
Despair!


At first we were promised a visa with freehold
And then after buyin', it turned out they was lyin'.
No visa? No phone; no electricity.
Small wonder that expats were starting to flee.

Give them six months!
Six
Months at a time
Residence should be fine,
Then send them on vacation.
Smile and don't whine
'cos the problem is yours and not mine.
I'm fine!


If you own a freehold apartment or villa
Your maximum stay's just a hundred'n'eighty days.
Then leave for a month, save up dirhams two grand
To buy a new visa to live in Sandland.

You wonder why
I
Don't buy Dubai?
My, how it goes awry!
Oh, the confusion,
'til from on high
Comes a missive that should clarify
Just why
To buy.

Bye-bye!

The original music and lyrics, by Ted Dicks and Myles Rudge, were made famous in 1965 by Ronnie Hilton.

]}:-{>