Thursday, May 03, 2018

Fainting goat

Unlike the famous myotonic goats that eventually learn to brace all four legs so they don’t fall over when they faint, this one has just the two. Thus he’s now falling over with tiresome but unpredictable regularity.

The other two limbs come with opposable thumbs, meaning that playing a musical instrument is an option – presumably whilst not falling over with a fainting episode. Except for his hearing.

The Goat has basically been deaf in his right ear for most of his life, and has learned to live with -60dB on one side. He has a rather basic hearing aid, but stopped using it when he arrived in the Gulf and discovered that it amplifies everything without discrimination: car horns, air conditioning, screaming brats, all background conversations.

So suddenly to be rendered very deaf in the good side is an alarming inconvenience. Going more deaf in the side that is already damaged is of course too much to ask for. Brain scans have revealed nothing wrong, the Goat’s hearing was unaffected by a course of steroids and anti-virus pills, and if anything it has stabilised at a nicely level -120dB across the entire audible spectrum. The technical term is “as a post.”

So with random fainting episodes the Goat isn’t driving. He’s certainly off motorbikes for now. The Road Trip is currently on the back burner. In order to get outside at all without falling over at random and making a urine-stained spectacle of himself in Dubai Mall, he’s now using a wheelchair that Beloved Wife is obliged to push. If he’s not standing up, he can’t fall over, right?

And the Goat cannot really communicate, sing, play any of his instruments (at all, as opposed to merely at mediocre skill). He cannot use a telephone, can understand no dialogue in the cinema, and relies entirely on subtitled Netflix for entertainment.


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