My eyes are fully open

If I had the misfortune to live in a flat in Sharjah
Where a beer is not permitted, and the rent is getting larger,
Public transport's non-existent and my bicycle's illegal,
And to get to work on time I'd have to turn into an eagle,

I would leave at 5am, sit in my air-conditioned motor,
(A Ford perhaps, but probably more likely a Toyota),
And listen to the radio or maybe read the paper,
And learn about the latest, tallest, most expensive caper.

But it really doesn't matter (matter, matter, matter, matter)
But it really doesn't matter (matter, matter, matter, matter)
When transportation is the only thing of which we chatter,
If they make it any worse, it isn't really gonna matter.


The RTA's solution that is offered for the crisis
Is to get us all to understand that public transport nice is
If you never have to take an awkward package to Jumeira
And the bus is never late (a situation getting rarer)

And there isn't any problem walking to the metro station
Where you loiter in the heat with folk from every other nation.
Capacity exceeded on the first day of the service?
If I had thought it up, I would by now be getting nervous.

But it really doesn't matter (matter, matter, matter, matter)
But it really doesn't matter (matter, matter, matter, matter)
The RTA executives, all led by Mr M*****:
They know it all, and everybody else just doesn't matter.


There isn't any way you can avoid the toll called Salik
So you pay and shrug your shoulders in a manner that is Gallic.
You can pay again each year when you go off for registration;
You can pay to park the car - but there's no parking at the station.

If you want to share commuting costs, you'd better have permission,
For control by Central Government is all part of the Vision,
And if you've any money after paying this year's rental
You can buy some local real estate, assuming that you're mental.

But it really doesn't matter (matter, matter, matter, matter)
But it really doesn't matter (matter, matter, matter, matter)
You thought you'd get a visa if you went and bought a flat, or
Spent your money on a villa. Were you madder than a hatter?

This particularly rapid, unintelligible patter
Isn't generally heard, and if it is, it doesn't matter.


Idea, rhythm, tune and last two lines pinched from W.S.G. and A.S.S.

]}:-{>

Listing to starboard

I have here an example of some whinging expat doggerel
The quality is very poor; it should be wrote on bog-er-roll...

The tune, by Sir Arthur Sullivan, is here.

The landlords who increase the rent beyond the legal max.
I've got 'em on the list,
I've got 'em on the list.
The threat to boost inflation with that Value Added Tax.
I've got it on my list,
I've got it on my list.
Impatient wastafarians with flashing headlight, who
Would rather crash their cars than wait ten seconds in a queue.
The people whom you telephone because their product's cack.
They promise to return your call, but never ring you back.
And intolerance personified: the Danish boycottist.
I'm sure they'd not be missed,
You know they'd not be missed.

You may put 'em on the list,
You may put 'em on the list,
For they'd none of them be missed.
They'd none of them be missed.

The management who won't admit a man in overalls.
I've got 'em on the list,
I've got 'em on the list.
Monopolies who charge excessive rates to make phone calls.
I've got 'em on the list,
I've got 'em on the list.
The chip upon my shoulder that increases every day,
The law that says that it is not permitted to be gay,
The sweaty summer temperatures that make us stay indoors
Inside our concrete box comprising forty-seven floors,
And the genius who says you need a licence to get p!ssed.
I'm sure they'd not be missed,
You know they'd not be missed.

You may put 'em on the list,
You may put 'em on the list,
For they'd none of them be missed.
They'd none of them be missed.

The gentleman in uniform who'd rather just say, "No."
I've got him on my list,
I've got him on my list.
Though yesterday it was OK, today he orders: "Go!"
I've got him on my list,
I've got him on my list.
The high-rise towers everywhere, and ne'er a patch of green.
The concrete, steel and mirrored glass. No plant life can be seen.
The threat of a congestion charge: a most alarming sign,
Yet if you want the train you'll wait until two thousand nine.
And the fool who drives with hazard flashers on in rain and mist.
I'm sure he'd not be missed,
You know he'd not be missed.

You may put 'em on the list,
You may put 'em on the list,
For they'd none of them be missed.
They'd none of them be missed.

Pirates of Penzance

New laptop? No problem. Pocket DVD player? Easy peasy. Credit-card sized six megapixel digital camera with HiFi sound and 4GB storage? Certainly sir; how many would you like? It's generally possible to buy the latest high-tech gizmo from any number of retail outlets in town. You would expect a new item to be faultless. If it didn't work when you got it home it should surely be replaced or the purchase price refunded. Not here. Retailers have a dreadful habit of referring to the small print at the bottom of the receipt that reads Goods once sold will not be taken back. Fair enough, perhaps, if you discover that you could have bought it elsewhere for less money (should have shopped around, perhaps) but it is totally unacceptable in my view to pay for a new camcorder and then wait for weeks while it languishes in the workshop until the replacement for the burned-out integrated circuit is finally delivered from Korea by pack llama.

Yet just about everywhere only sells boxes. Any technical queries invariably get referred to a workshop that is probably somewhere in the dingy depths of Rashidiya. Despite the plethora of goodies on sale, it's always difficult to locate anything that isn't entirely mainstream. How many times have I been advised by a retailer that the item I want is out of stock and will have to be ordered...from Japan? More often that I should, and that's if it's available at all.

It's not only consumer electronics. I had to trawl Karama's domestic appliance scrapyard before I found a suitable belt for my washing machine, and that was pre-owned. A new drive belt was totally impossible to find anywhere, and that was after a lot of phone calls and visits to any number of purveyors of white goods.

Of course, the retail trade isn't always like this. When good customer service occurs it is very good indeed. I was delighted, when I returned a burned-out battery charger, to be told, "Whoops, our mistake sir. Wrong voltage. Here, have a new one." I was similarly impressed when I rang the cooker shop about a broken pane of glass in my oven door. The replacement was delivered and installed within twenty-four hours, all free of charge.

The following ditty is not aimed at those retailers who believe in customer satisfaction. It commemorates only those who regard customer service as a quaint anomaly, and consequently do not wish for any particular client, or any of his family, or his friends or associates ever to visit his store. The tune is by Sir Arthur Sullivan, and originally appeared in The Pirates of Penzance as "A Policeman's Lot". Appropriate for 19th September, perhaps?


Do you fancy a new flat-screen home theatre,
(Home theatre)
Or a camera, or Sony PS3?
(PS3)
Before taking it away with you, you'd better
(You had better)
Check it's fully working, 'cos the guarantee
(Guarantee)
Is unlikely to provide you a replacement
(No replacement)
If it's broken when unpacked. The sales guy
(Sales guy)
Will send it for repairing in the basement,
(In the basement)
And refunds are not coming in Dubai.

Aaarrrgghh!

If it's broken when it's bought,
Your satisfaction will be naught.
That's the way we all do business in Dubai.
(In Dubai)


They will look at you as if you've grown antennae
(Grown antennae)
If you ask for a replacement part or spare.
(Or a spare)
You might as well request a pile of any-
(Pile of any).
Thing that's from a rocking-horse's derrière.
(Derrière)
My front-loader had a drive-belt that was broken,
(That was broken)
So it wouldn't spin my clothes to make them dry.
(Make them dry)
My garments hadn't washed, though they were soakin',
(They were soakin')
For a spare belt "was not coming in Dubai."

Aaarrrgghh!

If it isn't on the shelf
You must import it for yourself,
For alas, "it isn't coming in Dubai."
(in Dubai)


For domestic bits and bobs in vain you forage,
(Vain you forage)
Though of gaskets, grommets, grub-screws for your car
(For your car)
There is never any shortage. At the garage
(At the garage)
They've all automotive spares, which is bizarre.
(Is bizarre)
If you want an iPod, I am a proponent
(A proponent)
That there seems an inexhaustible supply.
(Bull supply)
But if you need to source a spare component,
(Spare component)
You'll be told, "It isn't coming in Dubai."

Aaarrrgghh!

You will find that in this region
Spares are anything but legion.
For they mostly "are not coming in Dubai."
(In Dubai).