Kitsch tchotchkes

We’ve all seen them. Some have even purchased them. Most of them are brass and glass, and there are even battery-operated ones that flash in various colours. Nanny Goat bought one as a joke last year. Because the title plaque said “Burj Dubai” instead of “Burj Khalifa”, she negotiated a discount. Mazel Tov.

They are all, of course, kitsch tchotchkes. What a fantastic name for a pub quiz team. Or a blog. Not a bad tongue-twister either.

Because these little things please little minds, I am also amused by the snow globe. Not only do we see the two traditional figures caught in an unlikely blizzard, but selected Dubai landmarks adorn the base in front of an incongruous Alpine backdrop.

It is, however, possible to buy rather more up-market twee trinkets. Click on this link and feast your eyes.

Top kwolli’y.

]}:-{>

Show them you're cross

Thinking about buying a new smart phone?
An iPhone or perhaps a BlackBerry?
Itisalot will want to give you software:
A software patch “for switching to 3G.”

That patch is made for spying
And that’s just what it’ll do.
Upload it, and your telco
Will be monitoring you.


It costs too much to rent palatial villas,
At least, if you’re a single family.
But if it’s big enough, perhaps by sharing,
Two live together, independently.

Except that it’s illegal.
Municipality
Says, “Here’s a clar’fication
Issued since February.”


This evening I’m going to the gold souq
To buy a piece of tasteful jewelry.
In Sharjah I am not allowed to wear it
Because of gold chain’s illegality

If wearing gold’s offensive
Do up your buttons quick!
If you dress like Tom Jones
You will be hauled off to the nick.

Appropriate acknowledgements to Lee Hazlewood who wrote the original, and Nancy Sinatra who made it famous.

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Armageddon outta here

The current headlong rush towards global financial meltdown and supposedly the biggest crash since 1929 provides expatriates with food for thought. My guess is that a lot of us are here in the middle east at least in part because the salary and benefits exceed those we could get back home. And this in turn implies a certain level of saving might be happening. Certainly there are plenty of investment opportunities, with financial advisers available to direct savings into what are touted as high-yield tax-advantageous investment plans. Bank accounts that are fully legal yet invisible to high taxation regimes may be exploited, and these are surely bulging with wads of everyone’s hard-earned filthy lucre.

What happens if a bank goes bust? Well the money vanishes, doesn’t it?

Apparently not. A rather alarming letter in 7DAYS reports that 75% of the first £20,000 is safe with HSBC. That’s alright then: of my one million dirhams (Ha, ha!), if HSBC experienced fiscal Armageddon I’d be sure to receive Dh102,000. Eventually.

I rang HSBC to find out the truth. There was no reply from the branch other than a recorded message advising that I should call the phone banking help desk. There I was told that there was, to the best of Ms Helpdesk’s knowledge, no structure in place to protect depositors’ savings. Despite promises to the contrary, no-one from HSBC has contacted me to allay my concern. None of these experiences has served to boost my confidence.

I suggest that unless a bank - any bank - can offer its customers some guaranteed security, depositors will inevitably withdraw funds to protect themselves against loss. If one bank offers security and another doesn’t, it isn’t rocket science to work out the likely trajectory of clients’ savings. Thus the prophecy of doom becomes self-fulfilling.

This post edited on 13 October to add that on Sunday evening I heard reported on Dubai Eye (103.8MHz) that the federal government had undertaken to guarantee deposits on banks operating within the UAE. Although local banks only were explicitly included, the interviewee (whose name I didn’t catch – sorry) stated that international banks with a local presence were included. Offshore funds were not.

In today’s press we learn that UAE banks are protected but that foreign banks are excluded from this government protection.

No, wait! For a period of three years, foreign banks are protected.

Different versions of the same rumour, as per usual. Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.

Maybe I should have bought real estate. Or, after reading this rather scary article in Gulf News perhaps not. Immovable property in the UAE is even more difficult than bank accounts to sort out after someone’s death, and getting a Will into a format that UAE courts recognise is complicated, time-consuming and expensive.

What possible incentive do I have to invest in this country without guarantees of financial security for either myself or my heirs? I might as well store the cash in old socks under a mattress, but I’ll obviously not state here which mattress. Or perhaps instead of saving for the future I should enjoy a riotous and profligate lifestyle today. I mean, if the bank goes bust I’ll lose my deposits so I might as well be up to my eyeballs in debt. If I die here, my estate will be frozen for years by the courts, so I might as well have nothing to bequeath.

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Dodgy geezers

When you see some of the ludicrous prices charged for designer goods, it's small wonder that poor-quality copies get knocked off in some sweatshop and offloaded on to the public at a fraction of the price. Dubai is full of them. I defy anyone, especially a westerner, to wander around the shops in Karama and not be constantly pestered by gentlemen offering "Copy Rolex. Handbag sir? (!) Gucci..." At least they're not being peddled as the real thing. No-one would believe a genuine Louis Vuitton bag for Dh50 anyway.

Now most fakes are dead easy to spot. Mutant spellings on the Goach handbags, for example. The small print on the sleeve of a dodgy DVD can be downright hilarious. And if you compare a real Rolex against a dodgy one the difference in quality is often glaringly obvious. So I'm told. I own neither a real nor a fake Rolex. It’s like getting behind the wheel of a Bentley after driving a Fiat Panda. Counterfeit goods are par for the course in downtown Karama. Shop there only with a dose of caveat emptor (Catering size).

Regrettably it's also par for the course in the Gold Souq. Here, dozens of blingmongers peddle high-value goods of precious metals and rare gems. Eighteen, or even twenty-two karat gold is commonplace. And it's all real. So, unfortunately, is the "copy watches" brigade.

While exploiting the recent drop in the gold price, I became utterly fed up with dodgy geezers offering equally dodgy merchandise out of suitcases in alleys next to Dubai's world-famous Gold Souq. "No thank you" fails to have the desired effect, and when I become rather more forthright I get a glare from Mr Fake Rolex as if I just kicked his puppy. Not that this puts him or his colleagues off trying again a few minutes later.

Why are fakes such a problem in the Gold Souq? Everyone in Dubai realises that the shops there sell pukka goods at appropriate and alarming prices, and only the back-alley bling-in-a-suitcase merchants will rip you off with counterfeits. But visitors to Dubai may well find themselves thinking that if fakes are on sale outside, they might also be on sale for high prices in the shops. And this is potentially harmful to genuine retailers, and to Dubai's reputation as a whole. Even news articles trumpeting that 291 tonnes of illegal products were destroyed seem to have little effect on the feculent flow of fakes.

Something ought be done. Dubai should clean up the Gold Souq. Alas, one of the news articles points out that the dodgy geezers melt away if the authorities show up. So it's futile trying to control the street vendors with inspectors who look exactly like inspectors.

What is needed is an army of Mystery Shoppers. The Police should perhaps commission deputies - Store Detectives, if you will - westerners who look exactly like tourists but who are in fact part of the constabulary.

"Fake watches, perfume, handbags, madam-sir?"

"Do you have Breitling or Rolex? Chanel? How about Louis Vuitton?"

"I have Rolex sir. Is very nice. Two hundred dirhams."

"One hundred only."

"OK. One-fifty last price."

"You're nicked, me old China! You have the right to remain silent. You have the right not to fall down the stairs on the way to the cells, You have the right to..."

Exeunt omnes, the Accused wearing jewellery by Peerless.

More selected references:

Crackdown.
Rising tide of counterfeits.

PS: There is a reference to Dragon Mart in the above hyperlink. This rerminded me of the "Huan Qi" radio-controlled helicopter I saw on sale yesterday. Top quality, eh? It made me chuckle.

]}:-{>

More bling

Some months ago, one of the major Dubai blingmongers ran a radio advertising campaign on Thi Bitti Meex. The brief was to enter a contest by writing some form of poem about jewellery. The prize for the best entry would presumably be something shiny.

Well, I entered, and then heard nothing. I don't know what happened to the contest. Perhaps no-one entered, or everyone who did refused to be serious and instead took the p!ss. In the words of Tom Lehrer: "The fact that I failed to win the contest I can only ascribe to blatant favouritism on the part of the judges."

There is, however, no escape from my seemingly limitless supply of doggerel:-

Puzzle rings, platinum, bracelets with charms on.
Glittering diamonds I must get my palms on.
Rubies of red and a necklace of pearls:
These are the things that impress all the girls.

I'm like a small child in a shop selling candy.
My fingers have rings that are all Krugerrandy.
I cannot resist, and I never ask why
Someone requires a gold Burj Dubai.

Ladies' names rendered in Arabic letters;
Bracelets as heavy as medieval fetters.
Silver or gold; miscellaneous bling:
This is my ultimate favourite thing!

More precious stones than the Duchess of Warwick;
Mobile phones I've had plated all auric.
What is the limit? I tell you the truth:
I've even a diamond attached to my tooth!

I'm a rapper; I'm a wide boy;
I'm Jumeirah Jane.
I'm right in your face with my show of good taste
And materialistic gain.

(With suitable apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein)

A visit to the blingmonger

The Goat and his Beloved went down the Deira gold souq the other evening. Traffic in Bur Dubai being - well - Dubai, we took the taxi and abra option and then spent the next couple of hours checking out the bling. If you've not done so lately, take a nocturnal abra trip before the summer weather gets too sticky. As for the taxi, we got as far as the British Embassy and then I told the driver to slow down and cease and desist his tailgating, or else stop and let us out. It was very pleasant to walk along the creekside.

We both had an idea of the sort of engagement ring that Beloved wanted, having spotted an overpriced version of it in We All Love The Emirates. As is traditional, a pair of princess cut diamonds in an 18-karat yellow ring was not coming in Dubai.

However, all was not lost. I occasionally have good taste (so I'm told) if not always good sense. "Look, Beloved. Try that one. Yes, that one there with the large square-cut stone. It's nothing like what we've previously decided."

Now, I have been shopping with the female of the species before. When she says that it's really, really nice, but that maybe we should continue to shop around to see if we can find the same thing for Dh5 less, this will inevitably conclude two or three hours later with a return to the original shop. So I cut all that out, and opened up my wallet [FX: sounds of creaking and flapping of moths' wings] there and then. Twenty-four hours later, we returned for the goods, now adjusted to fit. An engagement ring and a pair of wedding rings.

There. I've said it. Wedding. It'll be in August, and in the United States.


We've found somewhere to live in Dubai too. The money spent on rings could have gone towards refitting the kitchen, but nuts to that! There are certain things on the road to wedded bliss that take utmost priority.