Pythonesque

For anyone who's not aware of Mr Praline, he is the plastic-mac-wearing character played by John Cleese who either has a dead Norwegian Blue parrot or who wishes to purchase a fish licence.

Praline: I wish to register a complaint.

Official: We're closed for lunch.

Praline: Never mind that, young man. I wish to complain about this Salik tag what I purchased not half an hour ago from the ENOC station down the road.

Official: Oh yeah? What's wrong with it?

Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my man. It don't work. That's what's wrong with it. I stuck it on my windscreen, drove over Garhoud bridge and the system deducted Dh500 from my account and logged seven Salik fines.

Official: I can't help you. Please log on to the website and click on the 'Contact Us' tab.

Praline: I tried that. Your website is down. And anyway, I'm here in person. Find me someone who can deal with the problem.

Official: He is not on his seat. Please wait.

waits...

Praline: Is the person who can help me back yet. Is he back "on his seat"?

Official: No. He is on vacation for three weeks.

Praline: In that case, I shall speak to someone else about car pooling.

Official: You need a permit.

Praline: Your inspector slapped me with a Dh5000 fine the other day while I was driving to work with my friend. And the rules say that if you give your friend a lift you don't need a permit.

Official: But this is not a friend. He is a work colleague.

Praline: My colleague and I live in the same street. We socialise together. Our families go on vacation together.

Official: But you work in the same office. Therefore he is not a 'friend' but a 'colleague', so you must have a permit. No permit: Dh5000 fine.

Praline: I've had enough of this. I'm leaving. I'll cancel my utilities and then I'm off to the airport.

DEWA...

Official: You can't have your DEWA deposit back unless you can produce the original receipt.

Praline: But you've been supplying me with water and electricity for the past several years! And you won't do that unless I've paid a deposit.

Official: You are completely correct.

Praline: Therefore I must have paid a deposit.

Official: Absolutely right.

Praline: And now I've paid my final bills, I get my deposit back?

Official: Only if you produce the original receipt.

at the airport...

Praline: I'm leaving. I'd like my visa deposit back please.

Official: You must collect your deposit from airside. We can't have you getting your deposit back here and then disappearing back out of the airport, can we?

airside...

Praline: Can I have my deposit back please?

Official: You should have collected that on groundside.

Praline: Oh... Can I just --- ?

Official: No! You cannot go back.

Praline: Give me my money!

Official: We have no money. An Airbus A380 just left and all 500 passengers took their deposits. I started my shift with half a million dirhams in used hundreds and it's all gone. Will you take a cheque?

Praline: A cheque in UAE dirhams? My bank in my home country won't cash that. What is the alternative?

Official: A voucher for Dh1000 to spend in Dubai Duty Free and a free cuddly Modhesh?

Praline: Does it talk?

Official: Yes.

Praline: I'll take it.

]}:-{>