What a nerve

I have had shoulder pains on and off for a couple of years now. I put it down to sleeping awkwardly when I awoke unable to turn my head to right of centre. In an extreme case one day, the only way I could get out of bed was to roll on to the floor and claw my way up the wall until I was on my hind legs. I always thought it was a strained trapezius muscle. It usually took a week or two to right itself.

Anyway, push came to shove recently. Beloved Wife instructed me to go and see a neurologist after my right thumb went numb. You do know that the Goat has opposable thumbs, don't you? Over at Welcare Hospital in Dubai, I was poked, prodded with sharp instruments, had my blood pressure taken and was quizzed about my dissolute lifestyle, smoking and drinking habits and so forth. Incidentally, 120/80 is apparently a good, if not surprising, blood pressure for a middle-aged, lardarsed stress-puppy.

Then it was off to X-ray to have my neck irradiated by röntgen rays. This was followed by something called a Nerve Conduction Test, in which up to 100mA was pushed into my fingers to see how much pain I could tolerate how the nerves in my hands and arms were performing. Apparently I have two pinched and inflamed nerves in my unnaturally-straight neck, all of which account for the aching shoulder, numb thumb and bouts of pins-and-needles in my right hand and forearm. The neurologist also said he reckoned I had carpal tunnel syndrome, although I don't believe it. He prescribed me some painkillers and also some new drug to bring down the nerve inflammation. The latter has a monstrous list of side effects that includes diarrhoea, constipation, drowsiness, sleeplessness, hunger pangs, loss of appetite, euphoria, depression... You get the picture. I was also prescribed a wrist splint to use whenever I bent my wrist: all day at work, and all night when asleep. Someone at the dive club noticed the splint and, for obscure and esoteric reasons, asked to borrow my DVD when I'd done with it. He mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like "winker's cramp."

After three days I gave up on the wrist splint. I am annoyed to discover that I'm allergic to neoprene if I wear it for 23 hours a day. A nasty attack of dermatitis wherever the splint had been has been giving me fun and games for a week. Not wishing to risk an infection, I treated the open sores - yes, really - with Betadine solution. This seems to have worked, but I'm now on moisturising hand cream with added vitamin B12 to get rid of the squamous skin caused by the iodine.

I trust wearing a wetsuit for an hour or two won't produce a similar effect over my entire body.

Meanwhile my right thumb is still numb. Partly to appease the carpal tunnel syndrome theory, I have moved my computer mouse over to the other side of the desk, reversed the buttons, and I'm forcing myself to use the mouse left-handed. On-screen targeting is slow and haphazard, but it's gradually getting better.

I'm rather hoping that a week away from my desk will relieve the pressure on my nerves - in all senses of the word.

]}:-{>